Emotional rollercoaster
Kathryn Maier
Tears ran down his face. In between sobs, I heard him say, “ I…miss…Theo”. As I hugged my 5 year old and wiped his tears away, I heard my husband say, “I am on it, go.” As I let go and take my next step to my car, my 7 year old runs and grabs me tight. “Mom, why do you have to take care of the sick? What if you get the virus?” Before, I could say a word, I hear my husband again, “I am on it, go.”
As I drive to work, I think of what this world has become. I feel there are subgroups of people. The ones that are taking the social distancing seriously and the ones that are not. Although, social distancing would not have been my choice, I realize if we are going to do it we have to do it right or it is all for naught. As I see groups of people meeting up at local hiking areas, as I drive by, I know not all are listening. No one is wearing masks, no one is wearing gloves, people are hugging and kissing and shaking hands. Tears run down my cheeks…I just want to yell and scream, “Please listen, please follow…”
I am thankful my husband is a teacher. I am thankful he is able to teach our boys through this, while he also teaches his students. I am grateful he is technology savvy and can do virtual playdates to help decrease the social distancing by some. I am grateful he understands why I am the one seeing the sick patients. He understands the risk stratification. He understands the least amount of people who come in contact with potential patients, the healthier our staff and providers can be. I am grateful he gets it and he can explain this to our kids as I go swab patients and listen to lungs and take vitals.
I am scared. I am scared of the phone conversations I am having with patients. I am scared of the increase in anxiety and depression, I am already seeing only after 2 weeks of social distancing. I am scared for my 17 yo follow up depression, who states how he does not know how long he can go without physically seeing his girlfriend. I am scared what social distancing will do to relationships, to emotional health and the aftermath we will see from this.
I am worried. I am worried we are going to miss the other medical issues that don’t go away. Our patients will still get heart attacks, diverticulitis, appendicitis, COPD exacerbations not from COVID. I am worried they are not calling for fear. I am worried we are not triaging them correctly in hopes to keep them out of the office. I am worried they will refuse to go to the ER because of their fear. I am worried our ERs and hospitals won’t be able to handle it because they are overloaded with patients who have the virus.
I am relieved. Relieved of how quickly our medical field is reacting to this. Relieved of the video conferencing and phone capabilities. I am relived we are constantly finding ways to decrease the spread and take care of our patients. I am relieved that we are staying positive and working as team even if it is virtually. I am relived with the strong individuals I get to call my coworkers and staff and how I know we will make it through this because of them.
I am brave. I have never seen myself as brave. However, this word many people have said to me these past two weeks. I think about my son’s question, why you mom? My answer is a simple one, I am a doctor and that is what I do. I take care of people no matter what. I treat them no matter what their illness is. Even if I am scared, they are more scared. I at least have knowledge behind my belt. I have somewhat of a handle on what we are dealing with. I know my risks and I know how to decrease them. I get to educate them about self quarantine and proper hand hygiene. I don’t see myself as brave. I see myself as a doctor, sharing my love of knowledge and taking care of people who need taking care of.
I am hopeful. I am hopeful we will continue making positive changes. I am hopeful we will figure this out and do what’s best for our patients, our staff and ourselves. I am hopeful that we will make it through this no matter what. I am hopeful we will come out stronger and better because of this.
Kathryn Maier, MD is UMass Medical School instructor, who currently practices family medicine at Reliant Medical Group in Holden. One of her passions is writing reflections of her day to day work as a doctor. She also loves to run and hike.
