Khalto

Lema AbuoqAB

“It is crazy how just a diagnosis can make you look at your niece a little differently.” These were the words of my beloved aunt, or Khalto as I called her in Arabic. These were the words that made me realize that somehow, the woman whom I had always admired had begun to look up to me. And I thought, who am I? Who am I to answer her questions about her condition and look her in the eyes and tell her everything was going to be alright, when I really had no certainty at all. Sure, I have always been true to my faith, but the fears and of her condition crept up on me. I was just an incoming medical student, with knowledge far from what it would be in years to come; I could not tell her how her disease would progress, or how her treatment would consume her. And somehow, she still looked up to me. I was her shoulder to cry on. 

In those last months, I told myself I must be strong – for her, of course, but also for myself. I blindly convinced myself that I had to be strong because this was not the first case of life-threatening disease that I was going to witness in my medical profession; I had to be strong because this was the reality of life – that sometimes, we fall ill and get hurt, and it was just part of the human condition. But the reality of medicine is that when we begin to pathologize our experiences, we lose touch with the human condition. We lose the compassion and humility that is needed to heal. 

“As your Khalto I just want you to know I love you and we will fight this and beat it!” So we fought by her side, and she fought as hard as she could. In the end, God certainly picked his most beautiful flower. To this day, I am not sure if I ever allowed myself to fully grieve. Grief is strange – at times you think you are okay, sometimes you feel angry, and at many times you feel sad. But grief is part of the human condition.

In this world of medicine, we, as medical students and aspiring physicians, have the responsibility of being the bearers of good news and bad, hope and despair. In doing so, we have the privilege and honor of interacting with patients who look up to us in times of need for reassurance and comfort. In that, I realize that Khalto will not be the last person to look up to me; but I recognize that the merit of my white coat is not a matter of executing knowledge but unapologetically embracing the human condition. As physician-students, we will undoubtedly be exposed to challenging clinical cases and patient hardships that will move us; we will come across a patient with a story that resonates with us just enough to stir discomfort or a sense of guilt that we must do everything in our power to heal them. But I now know that while we must be strong for our patients, we too are allowed to feel. And as soon as we accept and embrace our emotions, we can find a common ground with our patients to demonstrate our unconditional support for them. 

For me, my white coat symbolizes the empathy of the human condition; it is a reminder to me to always speak to my patients kinder, hold my patients’ hands tighter, and encourage my patients to hold their heads higher. In putting on my white coat, I recognize my privilege to be able to experience all the realms of the human condition. Through birth, death, and growth, and love, yearning, and reason, I commit my life to patient-centered care and understanding my patients’ unique personhoods that bring a narrative to their conditions. 

I wear my white coat with appreciation for the woman that looked up to me. You instilled in me the values I hope to bring to patients from all walks of life and empower them as I guide them in their journey towards good health. I will forever look up to you, and I hope that as I put on my white coat, you will watch over me with pride, because it is to you that I owe my appreciation for pushing me to grow into the woman I am today and the physician I hope to become. 

 

Lema Abuoqab is an MS1. She graduated from Tufts University in May of 2024. Since starting at UMass Chan, Lema has delved into research and leadership opportunities with interest in pursuing orthopedic surgery.

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Taking care of eachother