Listening Days

Bob Singer, MD

There are days when one is exhausted physically or emotionally, and not sure how it will be possible to go on and do what needs to be done. I recognized that I was not at my best every day. Sometimes I was witty and clever and could think of the right thing to say that would cheer someone up or jar them out of their complacency and get them to “do the right thing” for their health.

But there were days I was just not up for it. On those days, I played a little game with myself. I called them “quiet days” and later, “listening days.” The game was to see how few words I could speak with patients, and still feel, at the end of the day, that I had done good work.

Sometimes I just didn’t have a lot of words in me. And the surprising thing was, some of those days really were the best clinical days I ever had. When a doctor is quiet, and just listens, sometimes people speak up and tell you things they have been dying to say but never got the space or the nerve to say. Some of those days I learned why my patients were really there to see me—what they really needed.

And on those days, I did not give a lot of advice. Often times it was just the willingness to be there, to be a witness, to listen, to validate, that made all the difference. I taught my residents about quiet, listening days, when they were out of energy, broken, exhausted. They all experienced surprise that such days were needed by other doctors, and even more surprise that such days were even more needed by patients.

Sometime try it, when you are with a patient you don’t understand or haven’t been able to get to know, or even someone you love. Instead of jumping into the conversation, listen. Say as little as possible. Think about things first. Sometimes being there says more than any speech you can create.

Sometimes silence and attentiveness are what really matters.

 

Bob Singer, MD is a graduate of the UMMC Family Medicine residency, 1978-81, a long time family doctor in Everett Massachusetts and most recently, a geriatrician in Rockville Maryland. Bob did home visits all his career and taught residents life skills, care of patients’ “minor” discomforts, and persuasion skills. He currently is a full-time grandpa reader for his two young granddaughters.

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